Let's Parody the Shipping Wars, Shall We?
by Universalperson
Summary: I think the title says it better than any summary can. And it's not because I'm bad at summaries. You thought your fics were weird or wyrd? THINK AGAIN! Inspired by Darth Nat.


**Randomness. There are so many jokes here I'm too lazy to explain them all. Just read it.**

**Disclaimer: Don't even own some of these lines of dialogue! That's how bad it is!**

(Begin the funny!)

* * *

Terra was shocked. 

How could he do this to her!

"How could you do this to me!"

"Terra, I'm sorry…"

"No Beast Boy! Sorry isn't enough…"

"I guess this isn't the best time but…"

Terra turned on the cloaked girl. "Oh yeah, what is it, witch?"

Raven sighed. "Beast Boy, there's someone else…"

* * *

_Dear Tula,_

_My apologies for not delivering this sooner. The Titans and I were locked in battle with a rampaging demon lord…

* * *

_

"REVENGE!" screamed Trigon, destroying everything in a two block radius. "REVENGE!"

"How did he come back?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it does! Ambiguous plot ends leave the reader feeling unsatisfied and are just mean to the loyal fans."

"You're still upset over 'Things Change' aren't you?"

"Well, actually, I was thinking of that briefcase of yours."

Suddenly, Trigon's rampage was cut off by a giant rock.

Standing there, in a dramatic pose was HAL JORDAN…err, TARA MARKOV!

"Leave my friends alone!"

"WHAT CAN YOU DO LITTLE GIRL?"

"I happen to have just been revived as part of a massive event to appease the fans."

"DARN IT!" said Trigon. "IT'S NOT FAIR! I WAS BEATEN BEFORE I EVEN STARTED!"

"Well you're a bad villain!"

"THERE ARE NO BAD CHARACTERS! JUST BAD WRITERS! THOSE WRITERS COULD HAVE PLAYED THE ABUSIVE FATHER ANGLE WITH ME BUT NOOOOOO, THEY JUST WANTED THEIR END OF THE WORLD PLOT! AND SLADE STOLE MY ENTIRE ARC!"

"It was my arc, dad."

"I was only a cameo" muttered Arella.

* * *

_Don't worry Tula. We're fine…I think._

_The main problem I have with the surface life is that I am often considered physically attractive my most surface girls…and some boys. I still wrestle with the temptation of ending it all and telling them about my commitment to you, but I must respect the wishes of Aquaman. Speaking of which, tell him that he still owes me a doubloon._

_However, I find that my problems are dwarfed by the Titans themselves.

* * *

_

"You're in love with Robin?"

"I'm sorry Beast Boy, but our names both start with "R", we're both named after birds, we both have connections to Gotham, all that stuff in Season Four and there was that incident in the comic books…it's more of a reason than Cyborg had, really…"

Three voices broke out of nowhere. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Rorek, Malchior, Goth Boy, and Jericho all ran up.

"I thought we had something special Raven!"

"Say it ain't so, say it ain't so!"

"SHOWTUNES!"

"We were an almost couple in the comic books! Our dads are villains! We're both quiet!" _(Translated from the sign language)_.

"I'm sorry, all of you. I just love Robin, and I know he loves me back."

* * *

_Of course, Robin has his own coupling issues_.

* * *

"Starfire" 

"Yes Robin?"

"I have to say…"

"Tell me Robin!"

"Hey Dick!"

He swirled around. "Babs?"

Indeed it was Batgirl, voiced by Tara Strong, ironically enough.

"Sorry I couldn't be here earlier. I had some business to take care of." _(Somewhere in the Titans basement, a scream of _"ROBBY-POO!" _is heard, followed by a Tamaranian folksong) _

"Robin," said Starfire, "who is this person, and why does she call you a 'dick'?"

"Erm…well…"

Suddenly, Bargirl grabbed Robin's head and planted a kiss on him.

There was a giant**CRACK** heard as Starfire's heart broke.

Crying tears of either blue or green, she left the room right before Kitten and Blackfire showed up.

"Comrade Starfire…"

"Senorita Starfire!"

"Hey cutie!"

Red Star, Mas y Menos and Red X already had the flowers out.

Somewhere in the background, Pantha, Shimmer, and Melvin grumbled. _"What does she have that I don't?"

* * *

_

Jericho walked away, totally dejected. It was a match made in…heaven?

He was immediately accosted by what looked like a pink-haired bug.

"Hi! I'm Kole! My parents were also mean. I think you're kinda cute! Can you be my boyfriend? I always wanted a boyfriend. I was created to die, you know!"

Jericho backed away slowly from the girl who was chatting, oblivious to Jericho's shocked face…or anything, for that matter.

Suddenly, he backed up against something hard.

"GNARRRRK!"

Jericho would have screamed.

If he could talk, anyway.

Meanwhile, _in a conveniently nearby bush_, Argent had her binoculars out.

Was she watching cavemen beating up a mute guy? No! She was watching her beloved Robin, vainly trying to protect himself from the girls fighting over him.

"I'll wait till there all kill themselves. Then Robin will be mine."

Hot Spot waited next to her. He loved Argent with his fiery heart…and she was coolly oblivious.

"_I'm only here just to be with her beautiful paleness…I hate you Robin! I hope those fangirls kill you by accident…but then Argent will be sad…"

* * *

_

_And if you think the problems at Titans Tower are bad, you should check out Steel City…

* * *

_

"You two-timing…"

"Hey, I'm the fastest man alive. Or at least I will be when my uncle dies the only permanent death in comic books…for now, anyway."

The people arguing, were of course, Jinx and Kid Flash.

"But those pictures were of _Raven!_ Raven of all people!"

"Everyone loves Raven."

"Who else, Wally?"

She was answered by a tackle onto Kid Flash.

"Wally!" screamed Magenta. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"Who is this little fangirl, Wally?"

"Linda? I thought we were meeting at…"

Jinx didn't stick around to witness the obligatory coupling war.

"I should have just stuck with Cyborg"

It didn't help that she was mauled by a love-struck Gizmo, See-More, and Kyd Wykkyd.

Somewhere at the other edge of town, the man in question was being accosted by a group of potential girlfriends, including, but not limited to, Bumblebee, Sarasim, Sarah Simms, Rebecca the soap opera lady, and the T-Car.

"Don't worry ladies! There's enough Cyborg here for everyone!"

"Vroom vroom!"

"Rebecca! First your reincarnated half-sister and now THIS?"

The Sarah's weren't talking, engaged in a clothes ripping catfight.

And Bumblebee?

"We were married in the comics!"

"I'm sorry Herald."

"C'mon baby…I have a reputation to keep."

"No way, Speedy. And take your namesake with you…I'm not violating ratings, am I?" (_I hope not)._

Speedy turned around…no let's do something less coincidental. Speedy wandered around and did nothing of importance until he ran into two of the hottest teen women in the DC Universe!

"We missed you Roy!" they said in unison.

They then turned to each other.

"What do you think your doing, you Wolverine rip-off?" said Wonder Girl aka Donna Troy aka Troia aka Wonder Woman as a teenager…(_wait, that was retconned)_

"What do you think your doing, Ms. I'm tied up in stuff I'm not even in?" said Cheshire.

"Well at least I'm more careful about getting _pregnant_."

"Well at least I have a simple origin!"

"Take that back!"

Cheshire…I'd say she smiled but she had a mask on. Most people forget those things. In a sing-song voice: "Convoluted back-ground. Convoluted back-ground!"

Donna Troy countered by lassoing Speedy, _who inexplicably _stood still this whole time ("I was hoping for a catfight).

"Who is the hottest and most popular girl in the DCU?"

"You are, my goddess!"

**CRACK!**

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Cheshire as she doubled over in a dead faint.

Speedy barely paid it any mind. After being untied: "So…which place?"

Donna grew sad. "Actually Roy, I met this guy called Robert Long."

"YOU'RE CHOSE SOME OLD GUY OVER ME!"

"You never even met him."

"Who cares?" Speedy picked up Cheshire's body, stuck out his tongue, and left.

"FINE!" huffed Donna. "BE THAT WAY! MY BABY WILL BE A GOD!"

_(Hey, at least I didn't include Kyle "kiss of death" Rainer.)

* * *

_

_You know, these coupling wars the Titan's have just don't seem natural. It's almost as though some evil mastermind is plotting all this for some diabolic revenge…

* * *

_

Slade, unmasked (_OMG! LOOX! NO MASK!) (Slade's some old guy?)_, relaxed, totally enjoying the spectacle.

"This is the life, isn't it?"

His pale companion turned toward him.

"People dying by the dozens? Plants grown on blood? Hatred and cruelty all over? Are you crazy?" said the Joker. "It doesn't get any better than this!"

The two madmen relaxed, as they enjoyed their vacation in (_insert evil dictatorship here_).

* * *

_Or maybe it's someone else.

* * *

_

What looked to be a hissing blue robot watched over the coupling wars of the Titans.

"_Yes!_" hissed the Anti-Monitor, destroyer of dimensions, render of reality, and the bane of continuity everywhere, who's every step causes a Crisis (not on Infinite Earths though); the most powerful and most forgotten villain in comic books. (_Who is this guy?)_

"_Soon, my love vibrations will cause the Titans to tear apart reality itself in the name of love. And when they do that, I will finally be called to fix them. Such is my duty, and THUS THE WORLD SHALL DIE!"_

He was only heard by crickets and one guy who unfortunately shared his name with a Mega Man character.

"You. Took. My. MIND!"

* * *

­­­­_Eh, I'm probably being paranoid._

_I'll come to visit soon. Hopefully my evil uncle is still stuck in limbo. And Tula, do me a favor. Please don't let some living mass of chemical waste kill you. That would be bad for all parties. _

_Love,_

_Garth.

* * *

_

We go to a scene that looks like a living room, with a fireplace. Sitting in a chair, was the Marvel Watcher, in all of his inter-company crossover glory.

In a rambling, drunken voice: "Not long afterward, Tula, aka Aquagirl, died a horrible, clichéd death at the hands of a living chemical spill."

"Surprisingly, no-one remembered it. Oh well. Who cares? I never liked her anyway." There was a pause, before he screamed the words:

"THE! END!"_

* * *

_

(Fade to some color)


End file.
